Hogwarts, A History, Revised and Rewritten
by Captain Tudor
Summary: Fred and George decide to write and "updated" version of Hogwarts, A History. Includes some rather "educational" interviews with teachers, students, and a bunch of other stuff you'll have to find out when you read. R for later chapters. Not explicit thoug
1. Default Chapter

**Hogwarts, A History (The Revised Edition)**

**By Gred and Forge**

**Prologue**

_Gred:_ We've decided to write another version of Hogwarts, A History

Forge: No no Gred, that's too sudden. You have to start with something professional sounding like "On April 1st 19..... Gred, when were we born again?

Gred: April 1st 1978.

Forge: Right. On April 1st 1978 to prodigious young men were born that would change the face of history. Their names were-

Gred: Isn't it prestigious?

Forge: No, it's Gred and Forge.

Gred: that's not what I meant! I meant you should say we're prestigious not prodigious.

Forge: No.... prodigious means famous.

Gred: No... I think that's prestigious.

Forge: I'll look it up._ (sound of book opening)_ Prodigious and Prestigious both work.

Gred: Good... now let's start the book.

Forge: But we haven't done the prologue!

Gred: (_sound of sighing in background_) You do it.

Forge: Okay, anyway, when we were-

Gred: thirteen.

Forge: I thought _I_ was supposed to be telling the story.

Gred: No, we _both_ are.

Forge: That's not what you said!

Gred: Well, I've changed my mind.

Forge: Anyway, back to the book. So basically, the summer we were going into our third year we walked into a shop called-

Gred: Flourish and Blotts, I'm sure you've heard of it, haven't you?

Forge: _(impatiently_) Of course they have. C'mon man we don't have all day. The shop's supposed to open in ten minutes.

Gred: We own a joke shop. You see the year now is 1996. We compiled this book from 1991 'till 1996.

Forge: That was unneeded information.

Gred: Now you sound just like Percy!

Forge: (_sarcastically)_ Thanks!

Gred: Let's continue explaining then.

Forge: Okay, so we walked into Flourish and Blotts and bought-

Gred: a book

Forge: Thank you Gred. So we bought a book, _this_ book to be specific. You see it's a special book-

Gred: And we managed to buy it for 15 sickles!

Forge: Once again, unneeded information. Now let me continue and STOP INTERRUPTING!!

Gred: Okay, okay.. calm down.

Forge: This book records everything we speak. So we don't need to write anything down.

Gred: Which is definitely a plus because our handwriting STINKS.

Forge:Yeah, pretty much. So what's in this book right now is what we're saying.

Gred: Okay, now get to the explanation.

Forge: We realized we couldn't waste this precious book on something stupid so we decided to rewrite Hogwarts, A History. Actually, more specifically keep track of what's going on while we're there. This little beauty contains five sections to it. One, Interviews With Teachers and Students, two, The History of Gred and Forges Pranks, three, Frequently Asked Questions by our _Fans _(_sound of coughing in background_), four, Summaries of our Siblings Love Lives (we've decided to throw this in for added humor) and (of course!) the history of the great Harry Potter.

Gred: After all, we did buy this book in his first year.

Forge: Well that pretty much wraps the explanation all up.

Gred: Does that mean the prologues over?

Forge: Yeah, we can go open the shop.

Gred: (_sigh of relief) _Finally. _(sound of footsteps leave the room)_

Forge: (_footsteps enter room) _I forgot to tell you! The bold is our more recent comments. (_footsteps leave room)_

**Interview One: Fred And George- er Gred and Forge interview the famous Auror (all right, well not quite) DADA teacher Professor Quirell.**

**Gred: Did you notice the "all right, well not quite" rhymes?**

**November 28th 1991**

Gred: Hello Professor!

Quirell: (_suspiciously)_ H-Hello, what are you doing here?

Forge: Just coming in to say hello!

Quirell: W-what's that in your hands?

Gred: Nothing.

Quirell: I w-want to kn-know. What is it?

Forge: All right professor, you've caught us. We want to interview you.

Quirell: W-why?

Forge: We feel that you have great potential and we've decided we want an interview so that when you're rich and famous we can publish this interview.

Quirell: (_still suspicious)_ D-don't try any t-tricks boys.

Gred: Okay. _(sound of chairs scraping the floor)_

Forge: Professor, when exactly did you start teaching at Hogwarts?

Quirell: W-when I-I was a young m-man ab-b-bout two years a-ago.

Gred: You mean you aren't young any more?

Forge: Gred shut up!

Quirell: W-who's G-gred?

Forge: Oh, that's our nicknames for each other, Gred and Forge. See he's Gred and I'm Forge!

Gred: Quirell, are you married?

Quirell: I-I will not give a-away cl-classified information.

Forge: (_whisper)_ Who would want to marry _him?_ He smells like garlic!

(_sound of snorting in background)_

Quirell: W-what did y-you say?

Forge: I said Moo, should cows carry in smells like garlic.

Quirell: W-why'd you s-say th-that?

Forge: It's a muggle saying we learned in Muggle Studies.

Quirell: Wh-what does it m-mean?

Forge: Um... it means-

Gred: It means that you should never feed cows garlic because they'll stop mooing. In other words don't feed someone something they're not used to eating because they'll stop acting normally. You see, I've been having eggs and bacon for breakfast every morning and Forge says I've been acting weird.

Quirell: H-how s-so? I s-see no dif-difference.

Forge: (_quickly)_ So many students are curious about your turban. How'd you get it?

Quirell: A-as a g-gift f-from the Emperor of P-persia.

Gred:There is no Emperor of Persia!

Quirell: Y-yes there is.

Gred: No!

Quirell: Y-yes!

Forge: Boys! Stop that! You're acting like children!

Gred: You sound like mum.

Forge: That's the point.

Quirell: I'm n-not a b-boy.

Gred: Then what are you?

(_snickering in the background)_

Quirell: A m-man.

Forge: Are you sure?

Quirell: I w-will n-not tolerate this b-business. Stop it at once!

Gred: Just one last question. When was the last time you had a bath?

Quirell: I repeat: I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS! LEAVE MY OFFICE AT ONCE!

Forge: Professor, you lost your stutter.

Quirell: W-what stutter?

Gred: Your stutter.. you know...

Quirell: I d-do n-not know. And f-for your insolence you will be s-serving d-detention with me all n-next w-week.

Both: Professor!

Quirell: No b-buts.

Gred: Well then where will we put them if we can't bring them to detention? They're kind of permanently attached.

Quirell: N-not funny!

Forge: Fine, Professor. We're leaving, but one last thing. Did you realize the initials of Defense Against The Dark Arts is DADA? I.E. the thing a baby calls it's dad? So therefore you are our DADA.

Quirell: GO!

_(sound of footsteps leave room)_

Gred: Geez. He didn't have to get so angry. All we did was make few comments.

Forge: You're right Gred, and I think we need to teach him a lesson!

**Forge:** **We did indeed teach him a lesson. We magicked these snowballs to bounce of the back of his turban as he walked around. Too bad we had to serve detention AGAIN... He really is a mean guy.**

**Gred: I wasn't surprised when he turned into that maniac. He was acting incredibly-**

**Forge:PMSy?**

**Gred: Boys don't get PMS! Oh wait... right... he's _not_ a boy. But no, I was going to say: weird.**

**Forge: Figures.**


	2. Professor Trelawney

_**Author Note: I'm not trying particularly hard to put them in canon. Sorry.**_

**Interview with the Famous Seer Sybil Trelawney**

**October 31 1993**

**Forge: By now I'd managed to program the book to record our actions too. Makes it better imaging for you!**

Gred: Hi old Trel.

Prof. T: (sound of jumping) W-what are you doing here?

Forge: (sounding hurt) You mean you don't love us?

Prof T: No my dears, of course not, any student of mine wishing to seek counsel is welcome. I was just wondering why you are not at the Halloween feast.

Gred: (shrugs) Not enough action down there.

Forge: (suspiciously) Wait a minute, shouldn't you _know_ that we're coming up? You are after all a seer.

Prof. T: I-I—

Gred: Oh let the poor woman go. Prof. T, do you mind if we interview you?

Prof. T: (haughtily) The reason I let you think that I did not know you were coming up was that, my dears—

Forge: The reason was that my deers? What deers?

Prof T.: (snappingly) Be quiet.

Gred: (under breath) someone's grumpy.

Prof. T: A seer never gives herself away too much or people might be intimidated or scared by her.

Gred: (under breath again) They already are.

Forge: Intimidated and scared are the same thing.

Prof T: (Brooklyn accent) Whatever.

Gred: Gee Trel, that really doesn't sound like you. Would you like me to fetch Madam Pomphrey?

Prof. T: (barkingly) I'm fine!

Gred: (whimsically)If you say so..

Prof. T: And don't call me Trel!

Gred: Trel are you from Brooklyn?

Prof. T: (voice slightly higher) No, what makes you think that?

Gred: Your accent.

Prof. T: That, my darling is from the island Bere, an Island around Ireland.

Gred:Lovely!

Forge: Okay, okay, let's get on to the interview.

Prof. T: What interview?

Forge: (surprised) Why darling, as you're a seer I though you would know.

Prof. T: Humph.

Forge: Now, our first question is—

Gred: What _will_ our first question be?

Prof. T: Look boys, I don't have all day.

Forge: But that's our question!

Prof. T: What's your question?

Both: (synchronized) What _will_ our first question be?

Prof. T: (exasperatedly) How the hell am I supposed to know?!

Gred: Tsk tsk, Trelawney said a naughty word. She belongs in the naughty chair... don't you think, Forge?

Forge: (brushes Gred aside) Not now, this is important, this is work. Trelawney, you're a seer, you can predict anything, now, what will our first question be? Use your seer powers.

(silence)

Gred: (loud whisper) Is she finished yet?

Prof. T: (dreamily) patience my dear boy, patience. The sight does not come quickly but—Ah! I now know what you're first question will be!

Forge: Well????

Prof. T: When did my visions first start coming to me?

Both: WRONG!

Forge: I'm sorry but the correct answer is—

Both: What _will_ our first question be?

Prof. T: (sounding slightly hysterical) Oh, honestly!

Forge: But you guessed the second question correctly. Now answer!

Prof. T: My visions first started coming—

(sound of snickering)

Gred: Coming?

Prof. T: (haughtily) You are two VERY immature boys, now let me finish!—Started coming to me

(sound of snickering again)

OH SHUT UP!

--when I was about five years old.

Gred: (coming up for air) Lovely.

Forge: Two down, three to go!

Prof. T: (sigh) Well let's just hurry up and get this over with.

Gred: Oooh.... _Somebody's_ into quickies.

Prof. T: You two...

Both: Us two...

Prof. T: God knows how you're mother survives.

Forge: I know. Really Gred, how does Mum survive us?

Gred: (sympathetically) The poor woman.

Forge: Anyway, onward to victory! Here's the third question. What was your favorite meal as a child?

Prof. T: Pickles.

Gred: Pickles?

Prof. T: Yes, every Friday after noon when my mother went shopping at the market she would give me a nickel. You see, at the market you could get a pickle for a tiny nickel. MMmmm... those pickles were deelishious. Gus's Pickles they were called.

Gred: They use nickels in Bere Island?

Forge: I thought Gus's Pickles were in New York.

Prof. T: Yes, well... I-I-I, you see, well, um... I-I I had—

Gred: You know luv, I just love the way you're being so open with us. So warm and cozy and so...

Fred: Different.

Gred: I can't wait to tell the whole school that you're really not a fre—

Forge :freakishly aloof seer but a warm fuzzy, if not as mysterious as we thought, person.

Prof. T: (panicked) No, nobody must ever know about this interview! No one!

Gred: (innocently) Why not?

Forge: Oh c'mon Trelawney people will like you better.

Prof. T: You tell and I'll do something drastic.

Gred: (eagerly) Like what?

(sound of rummaging)

Forge: Careful Gred, she's got her wand.

Gred: Oh no, she's got her wand.

Forge: You can never trust a witch with a wand. God knows where she'll put it.

Prof. T: (missing the sarcasm) Damn bloody right. Obliviate!

Gred: Oh uh, hello Trelawney.

Forge: (confused) What are we doing here?

Prof. T: You came up to ask me a question about the homework.

Forge: But we don't take Divination.

Prof. T: Just go to the feast!

Forge: (bows) As you command, my lady.

(exuent)

**Gred: So we don't really remember that interview.**

**Forge: Except for the end.**

**Gred: Lucky for us this good old book recorded _everything_.**

**Forge: _Were_ we surprised when we found this interview.**

**Gred: We quickly ran to Madam Pomphrey to check out our memories.**

**Forge: She quickly reassured us that if permanent damage had been done people would have noticed.**

**Gred: Probably the only thing erased from our mind was the interview.**

**Both: Thank God!**

**P.S She's clearly from Brooklyn.**


End file.
